i tried to remind myself that i was not, in fact, alone. i was surrounded by trees, plants, and presumably sleeping mammals, avians, and thousands of tinier critters. i began to realize that the technology of our civilization serves largely as a crutch (for me, at least – and presumably for some others) to keep us from feeling isolated or alone… when if we could let go of those things and live connected to our landbase, we would never feel alone.

one of my tasks for the winter has been to condense my internet presence so that, when at red earth, i can reach those i care about without visiting a large number of sites and taking up lots of time. i want to have one e-mail address, not use a handful of social networking sites, etc etc… sometimes i feel like my participation in/registering at various sites just opens up a channel of energy between me and the world and allows for a slow leak to occur. like leaving your electronics plugged in at home. all these sites that i am aware of and vaguely connected to, connected enough to subconsciously feel responsible for some action or commitment, to lose time or energy to thinking about and maintaining these connections.

what is ideal? what’s ideal to me is connecting with others in a meaningful way. having an impact. staying in touch with friends and family. the internet is an ‘easy’ way to do that, time-wise. but the hidden cost is the manufacturing of computers and the toll that maintaining the internet takes on the land, natural resources, and humans that use it and support it. it draws our attention, wears down our eyes, cradles our brains in hours of fact-finding, social networking, hitching its arms up under our shoulders so that we walk on our own less hours of each day. this is what it does for me, anyway. it gives me a purpose. an outlet for restlessness. i don’t want the internet to be my outlet.

i started using the internet for chat and e-mail at age 11. i have not, in my adult life, lived without the internet for more than… one to three weeks. and even in that time, i still had an e-mail address (or several) and many online connections. so i was still involved with the internet when not accessing it.

a large part of me, over the past several months, has noticed the novel sensation of wanting to disconnect. today i considered removing the crutch that the internet is for me so that i can’t distract myself with it anymore, so that i Must engage the physical world in an active relationship – really an orchestra of relationships.

what would that look like? what am i willing to give up? what do i want to remain connected to, and in what way?

i am willing to give up – web comics. the stories of real people in a real, physical community are primary. i am willing to give up twitter. i barely ever use it, and then just for business. tribe.net – any friends i have on there know me on other sites and have my other information. gmail – google creeps me out, and even though gmail’s functionality is impressive and very helpful in some cases, i want to sever my ties to it cleanly and with intention. myspace – i don’t use it.

i want to remain connected to – flickr? – some way to share my photos with others, and videos (youtube?). e-mail – i want to maintain an e-mail address through riseup.net, because i trust them and want to support their work. and… possibly a few political/activist web sites, although i think some time spent weighing their worth and relevance and impact is warranted before really remaining tied to them. student loan sites – i can’t drop off of those voluntarily, since i still owe money. soon i will be claiming $0 income again, but i’m reaching the end of my forbearance time limit (4 years), so what will happen? etsy – potential income, so keep it for a while. one day i hope my livelihood will be inextricably rooted to my local physical community so that i am investing in them rather than in random places around the world.

i want my using the internet to be rare. i want to be prepared for it – leaving my address and phone number and e-mail very visibly on the sites i’m involved with, with a clear message to friends that they should save my information if they want to contact me. i ought to make a strong effort to copy down their information as well so i can remain in touch when desired. i want my using the internet to be a big deal, a now and then thing of import, not an inane washing away of hours.

and once digital cameras are useless? i will have adapted to drawing as a way of record keeping, hopefully mail will still be an option to some extent, and i will connect with whoever i can however i can. i ought to get physical prints of a slew of the most important/milestone photos for safekeeping. perhaps one day they will be a relic of a forgotten time, admired and wondered over by children who have never seen such a thing.

and my blog? i want some journal space on the internet, but space that i trust. is there an alternative/anarchist blog site? one that is not run by a corporation? i’ll find out. i will remain on warmshowers.org since it’ll be important to my transportation options. it is amazing to realize the many-tentacled beast that computers and internet have become, rooting into my life like the most vigorous prairie perennial.

my task. my tasks for today are: laundry. some of my nicer clothing now has deer blood all over it, so i have to do laundry. i am using the machine because it is freezing cold and i am short on time. my wipes were washed by hand two days ago, and are drying on an improvised laundry line made of jute twine in my attic, where it is 25 degrees.

scraping hides. yesterday i spent sixty dollars on a drawknife that i may use to scrape deer hides. if i use the proper side of it i’ll have to dull it down. in order to save that sixty dollars for a better use, i have to get my phone from upstairs, call my stepdad, ask him where in the workshop he keeps some other scrapers that may work for my use, and probably call a local woodworker again to ask if he has any old mill planer blades. then i have to thaw my two hides, gather the potential scrapers, and test them out. the thawing alone will take a long time. maybe i will move the hides into a bucket indoors to thaw so i can test the scrapers tomorrow.

business stuff. my books and calendars are selling. i’ve sold nine things in the last two and a half weeks, making this the biggest ‘rush’ of business i have seen in all my time on etsy. also, in LESS than a Month there will be a review published in sagewoman magazine about my calendars. i have many many books to make, boxes to cut, paper to arrange, calendars to design, draw, scan, edit, and publish. especially to prepare for a long growing season at red earth, i must make calendars very far in advance. ideally, before i leave, i would have calendars ready through… the summer of 2012. or even the autumn of 2012. that’s a lot of calendars.

my etsy shop and web site. i need to update my etsy shop – i want to list items for multiple calendar purchase, and that requires taking some pictures and printing some calendars. i have to find my nice paper or buy more. i have to update my web site with virginia information and decide if i’m even offering henna this winter. i think maybe not. or maybe i just won’t promote, but will leave the option open.

i want to work on my quilt, make a new wipes bag, sew my prayer flags, make soap, arrange visits to nearby sheep, alpaca, and goat farms, and generally do about a million things. all this requires preparation, action, and energy. time to get off the couch.

I admit that yes, I would like to study my craft more, I want to celebrate the turning of the wheel, I want to master the runes, I want to master my energy and be able to focus the energy in and around me to create a positive reaction.  I love magick, I am so drawn to it, I just sometimes feel like I am a let down because instead of working to become this knowledgeable and powerful witch (for the forces of good obviously ^_^);  I mess around on the computer, watch TV, smoke a couple of cigarettes, drink sodas or alcohol, and eat unhealthy foods.  When I really should be studying, meditating, casting circles and doing magick, breathing in incense and listening to the sounds of nature and becoming more in-tune with Mother Earth, drinking water, and eating healthy food.  Breaking away from the gluttonous and slothful human tendencies is difficult, but I truly want to stop it.

For the umpteenth time, I have gotten out my “Taking Up The Runes” book and I am going to strive to read it front to back this time, with no yearly intervals.  I also want to pick a path of Wicca to follow… I think being eclectic leaves too much room to just dilly-dally.  I won’t promise this time that I will journal my study of the runes on here, but I will try… If nothing else I can say that I will give weekly updates of what is going on in my life (I have put the login page on my tabs so I will be more inclined to come blog).

Wish me luck in trying to find some sense of commitment and strength to see my study of the runes through the end this time… I know that runes are my tool of magick because despite my jumping around from one magickal study to another, I always seem to come back to the runes   Maybe I can persuade Rachael to study with me… or at least for her to study something magickal that interests her so we can be magickal together! XP

i registered an action for the 10/10/10 work party, and have a popped bike tire that i need to fix Tomorrow before work, then scope out the linear trail in town, then post details about the action online less than 24 hours before i expect some amount of random strangers to show up and do this thing with me that i don’t really have the motivation to do anymore, nor the energy to make a banner or properly prepare. at this point in my life i do not feel cut out for organizing. i would rather work alone, and really have always been that way. maybe i keep refusing to accept that reality, keep fighting it, because of the cultural teaching that i should be an earth mother,  a provider and nurturer who loves routine and organizes people and manages a household. that’s not me. i’m the artist, the dreamer, who lives alone and travels and inspires by accident and keeps odd schedules and is constantly evolving and moving on.

i think a big next step for me is to identify the parts of myself that are not really me – the parts that are culturally programmed, and that come from an ideal personality that is not my true personality. once they are identified, hopefully i can slowly let them go, with love and respect, and make space for the rest of my real self to flourish.

in the meantime, i have to figure out this damn bike ride. and sleep. and not become so self-defeating that i ruin everything like i did all through high school.

reading what i wrote here a year ago makes me sad in some ways, and just pensive in others. in some ways i do feel like i’m in the same place. i also know that i have come very far. i have posted a lot about my struggle and my achievements on my main blog, but since that feeds to my facebook page now i don’t ever include the deep things, especially not the troublesome parts of my former relationship with nux.

maybe once i’m out at red earth again i won’t feel the need to censor myself. it makes me feel too vulnerable now, to post everything i’d like to post when i know the people reading it will be working with me every day, judging me and reacting to my deep truths and the odd reality that is my life in conjunction with modern living.

-deep breaths- so, where am i now? i am in kansas. i have lived in cities and in community, have made trips back to the land at red earth, have traveled east and then west again, have worked  hour after hour at the same job for nearly six months now. this is the longest i have stayed in one place for a number of years. six months in this house… let’s figure it out.

2010

april-october: house in wamego, ks (trip to red earth)

february-march: apartment in manhattan, ks

2009

october-january: community in virginia

september: apartment in kansas city (trip to red earth)

august: community in virginia

july: apartment in kansas city (trip to red earth)

april-june: on the land, red earth

february-march: with nux’s family, kansas city

2008

november-january: with my family in richmond, virginia

august-october: community in virginia (trip to red earth)

july: with my family in richmond, virginia

march-june: community in virginia and with family in richmond

february-march: natural building in michigan; friends in st louis, missouri; henna in seattle, san fran, long beach

january-february: natural building in michigan

2007

september-december: community in virginia, family in philadelphia

july-august: family in richmond, virginia

june: community in virginia

april-june: new home with family in richmond, virginia

november-march: apartment with family in richmond, virginia

2006

january-november: apartment with girlfriend in richmond, virginia

2003-2005

apartment with family in richmond, virginia

so i haven’t officially stayed anywhere for six months straight since 2006. wow! i was still in college then. weird. okay, back to what i was thinking about… thinking about how far i have come. i have lived at acorn several times, have visited red earth several times though ultimately i’ve only lived there a total of three months. when i move so often it’s hard to know how i really want to live and what is just floating fantasy. i can read what i wrote from the time i spent there, though, and i can remember the physicality of it, the realness and soreness and beauty of it, and that helps me stay strong in my resolve that that is the life i want. but i have moved towards something like it so many times, and moved away again so many times.

it feels different this time. i have already waited ten months since the last time i considered moving back to red earth. this time i am waiting about seven months. it is very, very hard for me to be patient when i know where i want to be. it’s a good lesson, though – the winter is holding me back, and i have to learn to let go of a desire to control, which against the northern missouri winter is just useless. i can’t be there without a proper shelter in the winter, and so i will have to wait.

in the last few years i have learned so much. at first i focused on food, because i knew my diet was unhealthy. i knew it only from a rational perspective – i had no desire to eat healthier except that i ‘knew’ that i was ‘bad’ for eating unhealthily. once i started eating vegetables, whole grains, and raw dairy, my formerly constant physical ailments started to fade away. the few that remained communicated clear and obvious truths about my body and its needs. i still struggle with those, though i have made progress.

as i came to grips with a healthier diet and learned more about my natural sleep schedule and bodily rhythms, my emotions finally began to steady out, and deep wounds from my past surfaced and waited to be healed. i guess that’s what i’ve been doing all this time. i’ve been running from place to place thinking i could avoid them, but have ended up healing them through each transition and transformation. i have recognized a lot of deep, old patterns that were ill-formed in childhood. i have felt deep loss both outside of myself and within, and have learned to feel empty and still go on and let happiness and love flow through me. i have learned to let anger surface when appropriate, and not shame myself for its existence. i’ve learned that one of the biggest attributes of my personality was an unhealthy response to an unhealthy person in my past, and that i don’t have to be everything to everyone – i don’t have to solve their problems or immediately jump to the rescue in every possible situation. as i have learned to stop doing this, and to only offer help when it is asked for or when i genuinely feel a desire to help (rather than an addictive and codependent Compulsion), i have slowly learned my true wants. i’ve learned that while i am helpful, i can also make space for myself as a creature with desires and needs that sometimes come before the needs of others. in many ways, this has set me free.

i have learned not to take harsh words personally. this was a tough one. with my three major signs in leo, i am supposed to be the picture of confidence. the underlying deception is that i thrive on acceptance and approval, and feel dangerously insecure without it. learning to put up a shield against sarcasm, insults, and simple inconsiderate behavior has saved me a lot of hurt and wasted energy. i am learning to trust in my self and my strength and validity, so that even if i am being verbally attacked i can pull up my energy, be aware of my worth and power, and refuse to accept the negativity, pain, and wounding that is thrown my way. it makes me feel like a superhero to be able to do this. i wish i had learned a long, long time ago.

i have learned many things that i can live without. for instance: toilet paper, normal plumbing, ice cream, new clothes, tampons and disposable pads, (conventional) toothpaste, shampoo, and deodorant. i can live without dairy and without oreos, macaroni and cheese, fast food, and soda. soon i will live without a vehicle, and a bit later with Very limited electricity and internet access. i have learned to make my own books, pads, wipes, tooth powder, antiperspirant, hair washing products, clothes washing method, underwear, pants, scarves, hats, pouches, menstrual calendars, carved stamps, composting toilet, vegetable garden, bug spray, herbal medicines, and shower.

all of these lessons – lessons in the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical, have gathered in me the strength of will and clarity of vision to move forward in my dream of living at red earth. since i was about seven years old i drew the life of my dreams – myself, and possibly a young daughter, walking outside amongst apple trees in wide brimmed hats. our home was small and in harmony with the land. it had a loft bed and tall, tall bookshelves, a small kitchen and big cozy chairs. the biggest aspects of this dream that have stuck with me are the alone-ness, the natural, simple feel of the house, and the apple trees. i knew i would grow my own food. i knew i would build my house. and i knew i would mostly be alone.

the time has come for me to live this life. it will take a lot of planning, and has already taken so many years of evolution, work, courage, and personal development. in the coming months it will require so many more shifts at work, many hours that feel wasted and sold for a petty wage. it will require reading, study, planning, walks on the land, saving and careful, careful spending. biking instead of driving, connecting with neighbors for local goods, learning about woodworking and careful rearing of seedlings, fencemaking, sleeping in the cold, walking through forest, eating wild greens, harvesting and growing herbs, making medicines, eating simple meals of oats, nuts, and fruit, forethought and consideration of many years in one place and the affects of the seasons, winds, and weather. it will take connecting with family, making friends, walking long distances on foot, carrying many heavy things, harvesting rainwater, slowing down.

some of these things are more exciting than others. unfortunately, the least savory come first on the list. this is balanced out by closeness to family, which will surely lessen the burden of a conventional, wage-slave job that hurts my soul.

my thoughts aren’t finished yet, but it is 2:36am and i am waking up much to soon to sell books for the first time ever at a public event in lawrence, ks. i am very excited, but also nervous and feeling scattered and ill-prepared. being distracted by this blog didn’t seem practically helpful, but maybe emotionally it was.

i hope that as my travels bring me back to the home of my family and friends i’ll be able to join in circle again and share the energy of runes and stones with you, hijo, and that we can stand again in the light of the moon and let our energies entwine. i miss sharing that with you. even if it’s in the playground of an elementary school. =)

much love, and thoughts of you -

i’m back at acorn. there are so many things i want to be involved with – projects at acorn, people at acorn, friends in richmond, family nearby, my henna business. i’m trying to wrap my brain around how i can fit it in and still have a simple, calm, slow life like i dream.

i’m also reading a book about a woman who becomes a nomad in her late forties, traveling without plans on less than $10k a year, never staying in hotels, always moving into remote villages, making friends and learning from the families and cultures that she shares time with. it makes me want to master a language, or at least get started. i want to learn spanish, and then continue learning arabic.

i’m also feeling strongly about picking back up some type of magical study – like both stones and runes. i’ve noticed that the stones i have kept near in the past year have indeed improved my life in the way they are ‘supposed to’ according to books and the energy i felt from them. they’ve guided me in a very positive direction in ways that i had struggled with before. i want to learn more about them, find out what my next step is, and become more intimate with the runes so i can be their friend as well.

this sounds like too much to do for a quiet country life, doesn’t it? how do i balace this out?

“    Into the deep I gazed—
I took up the runes,  took them up, screaming,
Then fell back again.    “  (“Havamal”: 139)

I really want to accomplish this… I feel it is time to have a solid foundation that will be beneficial in my life and help keep my head clear.  I feel the runes can help me.  So I will try and post regularly… maybe not every week, but at least once a month about the knowledge I have gained and my experiences.

I’m going stir Crazy in the city, but have been glad to meander the interwebs for a few days, too. I took a purifying bath today and tossed in some salt, peppermint, and mugwort (some of which was the stuff you left me – THANK YOU!) to help me refocus and get back into my real self. My relationship with Cortney is a good thing, but Challenging to my self-esteem and composure and I’m fighting to get back to a solid center.

I SO wish we could be doing magic together. Even when we both felt crappy it was so good just to sit in circle with you. BOY do I miss that. Maybe if we were strong enough with our intent and energy we could create a telepathic circle and connect with each other.

Would you like to plan a circle together online or over the phone, and then both agree to do it at the same time (off the phone) and see what happens?

Either way, I’ve gotta get my ass outdoors and under a tree to sit and just be magic for awhile. Like, every day.

Have your books been helping you feel better at all? Are you finding inspiration anywhere? The volcanoes? The beach? The rocks? Flowers, trees? Salty breezes? Maybe if you can connect with nature you won’t feel as isolated.

Thinkin about you all the time. Love you, even if we’re both too antisocial or upset to call each other. Sending you good vibes and fool’s gold lovin.

Duncan, I’ve written you a letter or two – the first one was delayed cause I forgot to write the zipcode on there. Sorry! Hope you’re getting them alright. I’ll try to write often. Thinking of you. <3

I’ve been running most every morning for about a half hour, and it makes me feel great. I think I’ve lost a few pounds in the last two weeks… I’m trying to eat fruits and veggies every day and get a lot of exercise. I’d really like to trim the bit of extra fat off my face and off my thighs and make room for more muscle as I head out to Missouri and all the hard work I’ll have to do there. It seems to be working so far!

I haven’t done any rune study, but I’ve read a book called something like The Magic of Findhorn, and learned some wonderful things about nature spirits and how to work with the energies of the world.

I’ve got all my seeds alphabetized and sorted, ready to go into the ground as soon as it’s warm enough.

How are things in Hawaii?